This post is a tricky one. There are probably many things we should be feeling and many things we should say, but we can’t be anything other than our open and truthful selves.
July was egg pickup month. We’d done a lot of preparation and planning for this and went in cautiously hopeful and optimistic, but still realists knowing that when it comes with fertility, nothing is a guarantee. Our wonderful egg donor followed every instruction she was given and put her body through every jab and hormone trip she was supposed to. She’s not signed up for this for the accolades, but the emotional and physical cost on her needs to be noted.
Initially, our fertility specialist told us an outcome he was driving towards for us all was 17 eggs collected with multiple embryos created from that. Should he have led with those kinds of numbers? Well, hindsight is a funny thing. On Day 9 of our donor’s cycle we accompanied her to a scan to see how many follicles had formed to size as a result of the treatment (there’s only ever one egg per follicle, but the scan can’t reveal whether there is in fact an egg in any given one). There were four follicles. Was that all? Did the sonographer look hard enough? Had she checked both ovaries? These were the initial questions as we grappled with what was a less than expected/hoped for result.
Let’s pause for a quick moment here. In the midst of our initial reactions post scan, we hadn’t properly acknowledged what was one of the most touching and beautiful moments on this bumpy road so far. As a same-sex couple we understood we weren’t going to be eligible for any Medicare rebate on this scan. We’ve just accepted that there are pockets, some big and some small, of discrimination that feature on this journey. There’s only so much our brains can allocate emotional energy towards as we do all of this, and paying full price on what was a $100 scan wasn’t worth kicking up a fuss over (not that we’d be able to do anything anyway). But as the clinic (Ultrasound Centre For Women in Geelong) discovered this fact for themselves, they acted. We noticed a bit of a discussion happening and we were then told we wouldn’t be charged for the scan as they felt we should have just as much of a chance to have a child as everyone else. We were also told that we were welcome back at any time, free of cost. Upon reflection, this was a reasonably small act on their behalf, but one that was so touching and a clear reminder that there are in fact privileges that we get to experience in our situation when people around us step up.
Back to that follicle count. Haphazard searches on forums told us all sorts of things. But ultimately, everything was anecdotal. Our Brisbane clinic called us not long after to say that despite the low count, the follicles were of a good size and egg retrieval should happen in three days’ time. Again, the questions started to flow. Should we bother? Should we call this round off and try again, despite a $2000 cancellation fee? We’ve come this far, shouldn’t we just go and see? Ultimately, we figured that knowing was better than not knowing, so flights were booked and plans were made.
Fast forward to post-procedure and we’re called to see our fertility specialist while our stoic donor recovers. We sit down and his opening words are ‘we got two eggs’. We should say that our expectations had been lowered so this news didn’t faze us. We should say that we were still really grateful as this was more eggs than we had the day prior. And we did tell each other these things as we processed this latest news, but ultimately it wasn’t what anyone involved was hoping for. From those two eggs we were told there’s a 77% chance that they’ll fertilise and then a 40% chance that those fertilised will grow for a minimum of five days before they can be frozen, so the odds were against us. The following day we got a call to say that one egg wasn’t mature enough to be fertilised, but that the other had been successfully and that they wouldn’t be in touch with us during what is commonly known as the ‘five day wait’ unless something was to go awry. We got a call the next day; our one little egg hadn’t divided as it should have. Despite semi-expecting this outcome, we still felt pretty flat.
In reality, it was always going to be extremely unlikely that we’d have enough embryos to be confident moving forward after just the one cycle. In fact, this experience gave us a taste of what so many women must feel after continued failed IVF attempts. But there’s a tendency to be wishful thinkers throughout all of this. So onwards we will press; we are still super determined to make this happen for ourselves. One bump at a time.
Meanwhile, our other babies (Crawley & Spencer) are as cute as ever and provide all the love and cuddles we need.
The Bumpy Road 