Our Love/Hate Relationship with Science and Fate

This one’s going to get a little existential.

We haven’t posted an update in a while, not for a lack of making progress, but more so because we’ve experienced quite a few ups and downs of late and we’ve found it tricky to navigate both the nature and frequency of our posts. The road has been bumpier than we’d have liked recently, which is probably why we’ve been a bit quiet, but sharing is caring ☺.

As many of you who follow this know, in July last year our super-fantastic egg donor Ceris had her IVF cycle in Toronto and yielded us seventeen viable embryos that have been in the freezer ever since. Still very much a pinching-ourselves worthy moment. With our embryos created and all legal work and medical screening of our surrogate complete, we were ready to proceed to the next big moment – an embryo transfer.

For the sake of her privacy, and given our shared love of indoor plants, we’ll call our surrogate ‘Monstera’ (with the Variegated Thai Constellation Monstera, a rare form of the plant, one of her favourites (you can tell our conversations on the matter have been detailed!)).

We met Monstera late in 2019 and clicked pretty instantly. Like most surrogates, she is a unique individual (is that a tautology?). Monstera is self-aware, socially conscious and cares deeply about those around her. She is a health care worker who is passionate about the work she does and serving the needs of communities. As we got to know Monstera, we were introduced to the world of sci-fi, exotic pets (many snakes, critters etc.) and mythical creatures to name just some of her eccentric interests. Interestingly, Monstera never has, and presumably never will, had an interest in having children of her own. This is uncommon amongst surrogates, most of whom offer to help out those in need once they’ve completed their own family units. But Monstera marches to the beat of her own drum and admirably refuses to comply with the social pressures around having children whilst recognising that she has some important tools that can be of great assistance to others (e.g. us!).

In the lead up to an embryo transfer, surrogates undergo a course of Estrogen to thicken their endometrium/uterine linings to an optimum level to maximise the chances that the embryo will stick the landing. It’s this aspect that has become a big challenge for our baby-making team. It’s fair to say that we have learnt more about uterine lining and appearance than we could ever have imagined these past months. We’ve anxiously awaited results of Monstera’s scans through the night in the hope we will get the green light to move to a transfer. There have been four separate protocols to this point (a testament to what Monstera is willing to put her body through for us) with next to no consistency or predictability to the results. Unfortunately, or fortunately, when it comes to IVF, given the time/money/impact on the body involved, ‘optimisation’ is key. With that being the case, the green light to proceed to an embryo transfer wasn’t given.  

So here’s the existential bit. Neither of us are religious people and never really have been (zero judgement to those who are). We sometimes go down the fatalistic rabbit hole telling ourselves that things happen for a reason etc. We are both naturally very hopeful and optimistic people…we’ve said from the start that this is a matter of when not if and we haven’t wavered in this resolve despite these bumps in the road. We’ve also become close with Monstera and have enjoyed the warm fuzzies of talking about a time where her belly grows, and we arrive in Canada and how things will look once our bub enters this crazy world. But being hopeful and optimistic and positive and envisaging the future are all one thing. Science is another. For very good reason, science has taken centre stage throughout the past year. We’ve all listened intently to epidemiologists to the point where a lot of the general public have become pseudo epidemiologists themselves, constantly referencing transmission rates, R numbers, infectious periods etc. Listening to the science will have saved countless lives and will hopefully see an uptake in school leavers choosing to study it further in the years to come. At our micro level, science got us our embryos, but science has also stood in the way of that elusive next step. Finding the right mix of how to feel and what mindset to take has been a struggle. It’s one thing to stay hopeful, it’s another thing to face the reality. 

The reality now is that we face the devastating prospect of finding a new surrogate. The fatalists in us suggests that there must be a bigger reason behind this. The pragmatists in us feel frustrated and disappointed at our goal being further delayed. We’re certainly not asking for sympathy here – this is just one account of many that involve hardship upon hardship and delays well beyond ours. Also, as we’ve mentioned before, the fact that we can engage our agency to find us another surrogate (hopefully sooner rather than later) speaks to our inherent privilege in being able to pursue this financially burdensome path. Again though, what we are asking for, and are reminded of, is sensitivity. We have chosen to be candid with our experience, but so many keep their struggles private. So many put on a brave face when those around them casually talk about family planning and pregnancy. Given we have operated in these circles for a while now, you’d be astonished to find out just how difficult it is for so many to reach this goal. 

Our relationship with Monstera doesn’t end here. Science was cruel to us when we were oh so close, but we will be forever grateful for what she did and was willing to do for us. Whatever the reason behind these recent bumps is, it’s just going to mean that when that moment does arrive for us, it will be that little bit more special. Like so many, we share high hopes for a much improved 2021 – in a few more ways than one!